I feel very free of everything. It doesn't really matter what happens. I don't NEED to have anything anymore.
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Seeking Stops

L... spent 3 days with Oshana and recounts the big life-changes that have resulted

Dear Oshana,

Here comes an attempt at explaining how I now experience life.

Experiences

I feel (though this one is really hard to explain) kind of like I am enwrapped in or exist in (or possibly am) this buzzing field (though it´s not really a field) of something...Like an insulation.

I look out from it with a "soft gaze". (This is funny actually. You know when you do yoga it is always said that you should do a soft gaze. I used to do all sorts of things with my eyes, but never knew what the ... it meant. I had a laugh when I noticed that I was looking at the world differently and realised I was now "softly gazing" at it.)

When just sitting with it, there is inevitably a big smile on my face, great peace, and I know that this is all I want. There is nothing more important. This is the "you will have no other gods" naturally expressed because nothing could ever measure up and I never want to leave it. It is the stillness and joy of the everything and me connected to it or being an extension of it. The contact with it is the single thing that I really want.

The "I" cannot be placed in the body or around it anymore. Sure, I use the word in reference to myself, but if I really try to "pin it" to a location while I say it, the awareness cannot be placed it in the body (area), but reaches upwards.

Though absolutely feeling strongly as an individual entity, I am also very aware of the oneness of everything.

If I try to explain it, there is the experience of being everything, because that "I" (and I do experience this also as I) is then this one energy of all that is. But, I experience this oneness from this particular point in existence that is my individual entity. Like I said, I feel like one part of this energy. I can get into this merging feeling when I know things very much as one. I can look over at another person and know it as a part of me. (Though this is not constantly so as I get distracted.)

I have had a few moments when I don´t really even know what I am. There is nothing keeping track of it.

It doesn´t really matter what happens. I don´t NEED to have anything anymore (Though I can certainly get into the idea of liking to have this or that, but really it doesn´t matter) and there is nothing more I feel I must seek to experience for myself. (But yes, here too, I can get into the idea of strongly wanting to be in certain situations.)

I can (though not all the time) feel very free of everything. In a way I am not a part of things, just watching them go by. (Paradoxically, as I just said I am everything.)

Body

Feeling very relaxed and "in place". Even stretching after exercising seems almost unnecessary because the body is always relaxed anyway.

Incidentally though, the day after the awakening I woke up with this really intense pain in the right lower shoulder blade area. In the beginning I also felt sensations there from time to time, but these have now subsided.

I remember you saying that the natural position of the mouth is the corners reaching upwards. I have now discovered how true that was! How strange to not have done this before...

I have also discovered that the natural thing for energy to do is be in motion. (Not necessarily physically, but active anyway.) Apart from some need of rest, idleness is not healthy or natural for this state.

The Process

The awakening you gave me was in some parts something definitely similar to what I have described, though it was not "complete". It was like I was walking in this field, but that it was on "loan", not grounded in ME. Now it is.

I very strongly experienced a choice-feeling. I could either choose to stick with it and focus on it (which at that time I had to do by will) or it would go away slowly.

One day after being intensely involved in something for most of the day, I got this panicky sensation that it was very far away and slipping and I had to spend many many hours in complete stillness and focus to get it back.

The major and important part of that awakening was that it gave me the ability to let go. I realised strongly then how much I had been pushing and pulling on life before, I suppose trying to control it.

Even having opinions on everything that passes is pulling on life. I could now witness life and let it be OK. I feel this was the key part. I could eventually move into an acceptance and a decision(?) that it doesn´t matter what happens, I am not it. Let it be. Whatever.

Also, in case you´re interested to know, I did your dropping exercises a lot - morning and evening every day since I got back. I felt them to be very effective, and could feel very much lighter sometimes after having done them.

What after

I feel you are right about that the seeking stops or should stop.

No "how do you live"-quest. I feel it just makes you go back into the mind. The point now and ever after is only to follow the energy. Nothing else. I´m completely happy if I do and let everything be, but if I start wondering about what I "should do" (actually from a belief that I must in fact do something with it) that creates frustration.

It is also a strange thing to start doing immediately after the awakening, since the very thing that gets you there in the first place is "not giving a hoot" about whatever´s going to be...

I feel if you follow the spirit or energy that will always keep you in the right place and no questions are necessary. (After all you can´t "miss out" on your life if you do this.) I can´t possibly have the full picture anyway and may not be able to see yet what leads to what down the line.

Fully awakened?

Well, the thing is that if I am not I no longer care if I ever will be. At 10 pm on August 25th 2002 I still cared and by midnight I did not...

Secondly, there is that connection to the everything. Like I said when I explained it to you the first time, that presence which I could reach up for before, I can´t anymore. It´s here, what I am and exist in.

Many things though are not as I would expect an awakened person to feel. I can be very drawn in to thoughts and emotions.

Just the other day I was very emotional about something and cried and all that, which means I must identify with it. The experience of existing as described above changed (although the connection never left of course), but returned again after I accepted that "This is what I feel now. So be it." Usually though, it doesn´t go that far, but I will be pulled into mind.

I also notice that I can act in old patterns, for example when talking to certain people, I watch myself act like I always did before, even though I supposedly don´t identify with that personality anymore.

For example I was kind of annoyed with my mother for something, and this also means I identified with the situation and not as one would hope, stayed the same and didn´t move.

------

So, this as in one way a long and in another way a very brief picture of where I am. I am very happy and again thank you for making this possible for me.

In a way I am a little sad because this means I won´t (be able to come up with a reason to) have as much contact with you as before. I will miss that terribly. In fact, it´s heartbreaking as you are very important to me. But if that is what will be, then that is what will be...

Lots of love to you,
L...

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